Continue reading]]> On Sunday at a women’s meeting at Church, we had a discussion on Motherhood and why motherhood matters.  It wasn’t long until I retreated into my own reverie.  I’m sure others were too because it wasn’t long until those in the room started thinking and commenting about what they could have done differently to be the “ideal” Mother.  I began thinking if only… I had more time, less work, less children, older children, less distractions, more help, more money, more support…[add in your descriptive term of choice], then I could be the “ideal” Mom.

What is the ideal Mom and what is keeping us from feeling like we’ve achieved it?  I don’t know the answer to that question, but I will try to tackle it a little bit over the next month.

Mostly, I feel like we care more about being the “ideal” mother than our kids do.  They just love us, how we are, flaws and all.  We spend so much time worrying about how we could be better or more like [so and so], we forget to be in the moment with them and truly see ourselves the way they do.  What message do we send to them when we show them through that who we are as Mothers is simply not enough.

What Does Ideal Mean?

Comparing Ourselves to Others

I’m not sure why women do this, but we often compare our worst with our other female counterparts’ best.  We think they are ideal and we are not. Social media plays into this quite a bit, but we did it well before social media was in the picture.  There’s always that family at church with the perfect kids wearing the perfect clothes while having the perfect hair sitting next to their perfect parents who hold hands and hug constantly gazing up into each others eyes.  This was the family I always wanted when I was growing up, but not what I got (and I’m ok with that).  I was convinced I could conjure up this ideal life with my own children and husband.  Not so.  I consider it a successful Sunday if no one fights over bathroom time, one child has their hair done, and no one has thrown up on me that day. Which situation is ideal?  Who decides what is ideal?  Is ideal impossible or unchangeable (for example, once I’ve reached the ideal will I be satisfied or will I want more)?

I’m not saying I don’t try to have that “ideal” I once wanted, I just never quite get there.  I don’t necessarily think the ideal is impossible, but why can’t I achieve it?

I once had a good friend tell me she hated coming over to my house because it was always clean and it made her feel bad about herself.  That comment actually really hurt my feelings, because first of all, my house is not always clean – that’s an impossible standard with 4 young children.  And second because it made me feel like she couldn’t relate with me and judged me unfairly.  So unfair, that I had to look within myself and see that I do it too… all the time!  We all have different strengths, different weaknesses, different circumstances, pasts, and personalities.  We can’t be compared because we are different!  This lady’s house was clean sometimes and sometimes messy.  My house was clean sometimes and sometimes messy.  It’s reality.

Read this article if you struggle with comparing yourself to others.  There is lots of helpful and practical advice in it for women.

Please post a comment if you have anything to add or would like to start a discussion on this topic.  I will try to continue it in the future!

Continue reading]]> Hey there!  It’s a great day here where I live.  We just had a snow storm come through and clear out the nasty nasty air we had been having for the last few weeks.  I can breathe again!

Well, as you know, each month I have been working on a new parenting goal to help me become a better Mom. I call it my parenting plan and I am working on my 5th month and my 20th week.  I post about my experiences each week.  I’ve had some successes and some failures.

I had kind of slacked off for a few years while I was going through some major health issues and then later working full time and I got into some pretty bad parenting habits.  I want to be better at what I consider the most important job on earth (and sometimes the most challenging job on earth).

This month I am working on getting healthy and getting my blood moving so I actually have energy to hang out and be present with my kids.  I am working on going to the gym 3 times a week.  I confess, I only went 2 times last week.  I don’t like making excuses, because they are pointless, but I had some good ones and some bad ones too (laziness).  I will be better this week and just got back from the gym a few minutes ago.  I feel  so much better when I make the effort to go, but it’s oh so hard to get myself dressed and out of the house so early in the morning.

I have found that going to the gym consistently for a couple months now has really changed my energy level (even though I’m in my first trimester of pregnancy – which is known for pretty severe fatigue).  I have found I don’t need naps as often, which means I can get more done around the house, which means I am less stressed, which means I can give more of myself to my kids and let go and have fun.  Win Win Win.

Continue reading]]> I can’t believe we are on month 5 of the parenting plan already and so far I feel like I have made so much progress if I look back to the first month.  Baby steps are so much easier for me and I have tried to set attainable goals for myself that I can actually accomplish without too much effort.  I’m a busy Mom of 3 (and one on the way) and I don’t have a lot of spare time, so I need something that is going to be quick, easy, and effective.

This month I am working on getting my body in shape so I will have more energy to be “present” and attentive with my kids.  Last week was pretty much an epic fail, mostly because of the pregnancy and those pregnancy hormones running amuck in my body.  I have been tired and restless, but this week I’ve been able to sleep which has been a much needed reprieve.

This week I am feeling better.  I’m glad I kept up with going to the gym and doing the treadmill for an hour 3 times a week.  I have had more energy and have been more patient and conscious when around my kids.  I didn’t even yell or get mad when my daughter dropped a glass of hot chocolate on the kitchen floor and broke my favorite mug.  Now, that’s restraint!

Anyway, I hope this kind of inspires you to keep going on your own goals.  There will be some good days and bad days.  That’s normal right?  Please post a comment if you have a goal you would like to share and how you’ve accomplished it.

Continue reading]]> Well, for my parenting plan, this month I’m working on going to the gym 3 or more times a week so I can have more energy to spend some extra quality time with my kids.  It’s a New Year’s Resolution of sorts.  Last week I went to the gym 4 times.  I haven’t found that I have had more energy though.  Maybe it will take more time and patience is not a virtue I was blessed with.

I had a rough day yesterday, I was really tired and grumpy.  I have found my kids don’t care.  They will crawl in bed with me or jump on the couch next to where I’m sitting and just want to talk, even on (my) bad days.  That’s why I love them so much because they are so forgiving.  I have such a long way to go to becoming better and I’m constantly aware of that.  I do feel better when I’m trying.  Not every week of this parenting plan has been a success for me and I’m sure there will be many in the future that bomb big time, but I’d like to keep trying despite failures and look forward to successes.  I’m going to keep up with this and I will let you know how it goes next week!

Please post a comment if you have any suggestions for me!

Continue reading]]> This week was the first snow of the season and we had lots of fun making snow angels, shoveling the driveway together, and playing in the snow.

Well, we’re already on month 4, week 2 of the Parenting Plan.  I have been working on listening to my kids more this month.  I have found when I just try… a little, I get these amazing results that I wasn’t planning on at all.  For example, this week I decided to turn off the radio when I pick the kids up at school so I could actually hear what they were saying to me.  Guess what happened?  The kids became little chatterboxes and started telling me all about their day and what happened at school. They were excited to open up and I was excited to listen.  They spend the majority of their day at school and I want their at home (and in the car) time to be one where they are heard and loved unconditionally.

This is so exciting because it used to be the car ride home from school was a highly charged and stressful time for me to wait in line to pick them up for 15 minutes and then have them yelling over the radio so no one could hear each other only to come home and all do our separate things, like homework, practicing, and work.  This very small thing has been very powerful to me.  I also realized how easy it was for me before to tune out what the kids were saying and just throw in a “uh huh” or “yeah” every now and then.  This week I  am really trying to hear what they are saying to me and be supportive.  I can’t believe I wasn’t doing this before.  I am embarrassed that I wasn’t because it’s such a simple thing, but it is what it is and I am doing this parenting plan because I want to be honest with myself about my weaknesses so that I can be better.

Continue reading]]> I don’t think I ever wrapped up month 3 before moving on to month 4.  So, in month 3 I have been working on giving my kids more hugs and reporting on the results each week.  The results have been incredible, I can’t even begin to say how helpful this challenge has been to me as a Mom and probably the most helpful of all things things I’ve done so far.  First of all, it takes only a few seconds to give a hug.  Second of all, it’s good for everyone involved.  And third, that physical affection makes everyone feel more loved, so its a win-win-win!

I started keeping track of how many hugs I was giving my kids.  I would give the youngest 10+ hugs per day, the middle one usually initiates hugs with me so I would give her 5+ per day.  But my oldest daughter used to never initiate hugs until I did this parenting plan.  I thought she was growing out of hugs, but I think she was just waiting for me to show I loved her.  After specifically being mindful of giving her lots of hugs, she has initiated hugs with me many many times. It’s made a huge huge difference to me and made me more patient and compassionate toward her struggles (and she hasn’t had as many struggles as usual).  I just wish every Mom out there would try this, it’s so incredible!

I just feel like each month with this parenting plan, I barely even have to try and I get amazing, powerful results that help me become better.  I’m always surprised by how much I’ve been blessed with and how important my family is to me.  I want to be a better Mom and the little things do make a big difference.

One last thing I noticed this month is that my kids were giving each other hugs and holding hands.  WOW!

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If you’ve forgotten, this month I’ve been working on giving my kids more hugs and then posting on what happens.  The last couple weeks have gone really well and we have been a lot closer as a family.  It really happened quickly and it was so easy.  Why didn’t I try this sooner?

This week, I’ve been noticing how the kids act with each other, and they seem to be giving each other hugs which I haven’t noticed them doing recently (since they’ve been older they give each other less hugs and as parents, we give less hugs).

Most of all, I feel closer to them and they come to me more often just to talk about things.  I don’t know if this is just because I have been consciously working on giving them more hugs.  I’m sure there are other factors involved.  But, I think it gives them security and helps them to know that they are loved, valued, and wanted.

Because of this month, my husband and I want to work on giving each other more hugs.  It can’t hurt, right?

Continue reading]]> If you haven’t been keeping up with my monthly goals, this month I have been working on giving my kids more hugs.  This is my second week with this goal, but generally I choose a different parenting goal each month and do baby steps to achieve it.  That’s just how I work best.

It hasn’t been a perfect week.  I guess it never is a perfect week.  It has been a great week until this morning when I woke up to my kids arguing and crying in the kitchen over a bag of granola.  It started off the day on the wrong foot and now I’m feeling worn out and in a bad mood.  I have to remind myself that sometimes there will be bad days, but I still need to keep trying.

I have still been working on giving my kids lots of hugs and it has been well received.  Even today when we were all a little upset with each other, I didn’t let the girls go off to school without a hug.  I came to sit down at my desk and saw this note at my monitor.  It softened my heart, and it’s a good thing it did that!

On to next week.  More hugs!

Continue reading]]> This kid is so crazy!  He hates to take pictures so he always makes funny faces at me because it makes him think I will stop taking his picture.  Boy is he wrong!

Well, this week’s parenting plan challenge is to be more patient and less annoyed.  This really is a challenge for my personality.  I’m a runner, always always stressed and running to the next thing.  Always hurrying, always with too much to do.  I didn’t want my kids to feel like they are last on the priority list, so this week I have been working on listening more and stressing less.

It has been helpful that the kids have been in school all week because when they come home i want to hear the knitty gritty about their day and because I really do care what they are doing.

I have one daughter who has been struggling with lying and we have been pulling our hair out because none of the punishments we’ve given her have been effective.  However, I feel like I did really well being patient and showing her that I still loved her even though she was making some bad choices.

However, last night I was making a complicated and messy dinner and all the kids were in the kitchen firing off questions.  My son asked me how to spell something and I spilled what I was making.  I lost it and told my son to go somewhere else until dinner was finished.  I felt really bad when I did that and apologized later.  I find it hard to be patient in situations where I’m trying to concentrate yet being bombarded with questions and chatter.  I’m really trying to change though.  I think with time and experience I will improve.

What have you done to be a better Mom or to practice a parenting plan?  Please comment and let us know.

**All parenting advice and information on Positively Mommy is provided for informational purposes only. Unless otherwise noted, the site content is not written by doctors, psychologists, or other health care professionals. The staff at Positively Mommy do not have psychiatric degrees or any other therapeutic training. The majority of our advice is drawn from personal experience and thus represents personal opinion. It is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any reliance on the information Positively Mommy provides is solely at the risk of the user. Positively Mommy does not assume any responsibility for damage or injury to persons or property that may arise from the use of the advice and information Positively Mommy provides.

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Sometimes my kids make faces at me like this one because to be honest, well, let’s face it, I have a house to clean, errands to run, dinner to make, laundry to fold, kids to raise, volunteer hours to log, money to make, and many other responsibilities that cannot fully be listed in one blog post.  I get stressed out!  And when I get stressed out, guess what I do?  I get annoyed.  That means when my kids ask me a question (which very well may be the 100th question I’ve had that day and it’s only 8:30 am), I start to tense up and use a tone of voice with them that I’m not proud of.  I think it sends the message to them that what they have to say is not of value and that I’m not really listening.  It also sends the message that I get angry and stressed out when they come to me with an issue, problem, or even a simple comment.  I can see why they feel this way, because it’s true!  I think part of positive parenting is seeing our weaknesses as parents and working on them a little at a time to try to improve.  So, that’s what I will be working on month 2 of the Positively Mommy parenting plan.

I will post next week about how it goes!

Please comment if you struggle with the same issues I do and what you have done to become better.  I would love to hear from you!

**All parenting advice and information on Positively Mommy is provided for informational purposes only. Unless otherwise noted, the site content is not written by doctors, psychologists, or other health care professionals. The staff at Positively Mommy do not have psychiatric degrees or any other therapeutic training. The majority of our advice is drawn from personal experience and thus represents personal opinion. It is not a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any reliance on the information Positively Mommy provides is solely at the risk of the user. Positively Mommy does not assume any responsibility for damage or injury to persons or property that may arise from the use of the advice and information Positively Mommy provides.